Five Signs You’re Gaslighting Yourself
Iwas talking to a friend of mine about his experience at his new job. He had been laid off from his previous one, so he had to take a new one on pretty quickly. While I listened to his description of the job, I could tell that there were many things that were wrong. His boss was insecure and manipulative, the workload was unrealistic, and the clients were demanding and rude.
He would go home completely drained and irritable and didn’t understand why. Because when you talked to my friend, everything at the job was fine. In fact, it was his fault that he had so many problems. His boss wasn’t bad; he just needed to have a better attitude. His workload wasn’t too much; he just needed to be better organized. The clients weren’t rude; they just had their own problems going on and he should be more understanding.
It was a fight with him to get him to recognize his feelings and his situation. After a while, I realized he was gaslighting himself.
What Is Gaslighting?
The term gaslighting has become very popular recently. It refers to the act of undermining someone’s emotions or reality. It’s making someone believe that everything they’re going through is all in their head or isn’t really happening to the extent that they perceive.
Typically it’s discussed within the context of an emotionally abusive relationship. But as the case with all abuse, there comes a point where the mannerisms become internalized. Your abuser is no longer needed; you become the abuser yourself.
There are many of us that have internalized gaslighting. Maybe you were used to your parents gaslighting you or you came out of an abusive romantic relationship. Whatever way this mindset entered into your life, it’s here now, so it needs to be eradicated.
How Does Gaslighting Harm You?
Gaslighting takes away your ability to fully understand yourself, your needs, and desires.
Gaslighting stops you from making positive change in your life (If you don’t believe the bad things are happening, you won’t try to change it).
Gaslighting ruins your self confidence and makes you feel like you don’t deserve more.
For my friend, it caused him to continue suffering through an emotionally debilitating job instead of searching for a new role. He started to lose more and more of his confidence, believing that these are the roles that he deserves and he will never get anything better. He came home angry and irritable without the ability to fully understand why he felt that way and what he could do about it.
How Do You Know Your Self Gaslighting?
Recognizing self gaslighting can be hard because it’s a mindset that you may consider normal. But if you find yourself performing the following very frequently, then this is problem something that you deal with.
You Minimize Your Thoughts and Feelings
“It’s not that bad. I’m overreacting.”
Is your first instinct to tell yourself that your feelings are wrong or too emotional? Often, people see this as a way of being strong or resilient. “I’m not mad,” they say when something is clearly affecting their nerves.
No matter what your feelings are, you should always take the time to fully understand why it may be bothering you at that current level. Not doing so is practicing emotional abuse.
You Doubt Yourself
“I would really like to do this, but I’ve never been the smartest person in the room. It’s probably a dumb idea.”
Do you constantly undermine your wishes and decisions? Thinking that your ideas are always dumb is one way to accomplish this. If you frequently believe that your ideas are not worth listening to and your decisions are probably wrong, you may be self gaslighting.
You Doubt Your Memories
“I’m pretty sure I sent that email. But I know I’m very wishy washy. I probably didn’t send it.”
Do you constantly doubt whether your recollections are true? Gaslighting causes you to doubt your reality so much that you even start to doubt your own memories. Yes, our recollections are not perfect, but it’s another thing to constantly not be sure whether you’ve done something or how an event occurred to you. Unless you have some diagnosed memory loss, trust what you know occurred. And don’t let anyone, yourself included, tell you differently.
You Convince Yourself That Things Aren’t That Bad
“It’s not that bad. It could be worse.”
Do you spend a lot of time convincing yourself that something isn’t happening? I used to argue with my friend that his ride to work was pretty bad. On a good day, the ride was a little less than an hour, but on a bad traffic day, it could last closer to two. Still, he spent so much time convincing himself that the traffic wasn’t bad.
It does no good service to not acknowledge when something is happening. My friend could’ve acknowledged the traffic was bad, but decided that the job was worth it. Instead he chose to deny his reality, which robbed him of an opportunity to understand himself and his decisions.
You Always Find a Way to Blame Yourself
“There must be something I’m doing wrong to cause this.”
Do you constantly look for a reason why you are the causing of something external to you? We are all capable of changing or circumstances, but we are not always the cause of our present circumstances. If you find yourself reaching to explain why you are the cause of Person X acting this way or Company Z having a certain kind of culture, then you are self gaslighting. These things are out of your control and not your fault.
You cannot control the narcissistic person in your life, so you can’t blame yourself for the way that they’re acting. By blaming yourself, you take away the actions you can control, such as distancing yourself from the person.
How To Stop
If you’re reading this and recognize these traits in you, you need to nip them in the bud. Gaslighting strips you of your ability to pursue your happiness and achieve your goals. You can seek out a counselor to help you work through these issues, but here are some tips to help you on your way.
Recognize the Problem
First you need to recognize that you have a problem. Read more about gaslighting and see if this resonates with you. Once you know you have a problem, you can start to fix it.
Understand It’s Origins
You need to understand where this problem originates from. Maybe you can recognize some traits in the way that your parents raised you. Maybe you have some issues with anxiety and this has been your coping mechanism. By understanding the origins you can better block out gaslighting thoughts when they start to come to you real time.
Understand Your Feelings
You need to take the time to understand your feelings in every circumstance. One of my mottos is: If it matters to you, it matters. Recognize that all of your feelings are valid and it worth it to understand them.
Perform Affirmations
When you recognize self gaslighting thoughts starting to flare up, try going through the following affirmations.
All of my emotions are valid and I have the right to feel them.
I know what is happening to me and how it makes me feel.
I know what circumstances are within my control and what things are not.
I have the right to pursue my happiness.
Repeat these to yourself until you start to believe them more each day.
I wish that we all can pursue our goals with no hinderance. Self gaslighting is strangling vine in our lives that needs to be cut down and burned. Let this be another step in our journey of self care.